King Spade's Lovely Predicament
by DuckyGooperKaddlyBooper
Summary: (DELTARUNE) King. Cruel, strong, domineering, and war hungry. These are traits you may not see from him however, now that Lancer has him searching for a new wife at his request! How can an insatiable killer possibly find love? Who knows! Why don't we find out in this fanfic that makes absolutely no sense and was made because the author was bored!
1. Chapter 1: Lancer's Growing Idea

**A/N; Making this mainly for craps and giggles. I have seriously no idea what I'm doing but good criticism is open. This first section will be a beginning setting for the story and will take place after the "pacifist" route. There may also be an OC or two down the road. Planning to keep this fairly clean so don't expect excessive swearing or smut.**

 **King Spade's Lovely Predicament  
By DuckyGooperKaddlyBooper**

 ****The story begins at the Card Castle housing the second Dark Fountain, formerly owned and controlled by King Spade. The fountain itself has long since been sealed off and the King overthrown by his own subjects, not to mention his own _son_. It has been days ever since he was locked away in the dungeon and left alone in pure solitude and discontent, only given Pizza Flavored Pringles™ to sustain him in his wallowing. Regret and anger went through is mind, regret and anger towards not going out to kill the lightners himself and relying on his _son_ to do it. He wouldn't have been locked up if he did it himself, he wouldn't have been put to shame by the lightners, and his son would not have turned on him if he had not had sent him. His son, the little traitor, if he ever got his hands on him aga-

His train of thought was cut short when the elevator door to the dungeon opened up and out came Lancer, joyfully stomping along the corridor before stopping in front of his Father's cell. He turned his head, flashing him that ever so goofy smile.

"Well hey there formerly-king-but-now-not-king dad!" He said, raising a hand up and waving to him. "How are you doing this day?"

King Spade stared at Lancer unamused before snarling to him, baring his bulky teeth and tongue. "What do you want, you little brat?! Come to try and persuade me yet again? You've already tried, and failed, too many times too count!"

"Well, kinda! Like I said I'd never stop trying, I mean, you are my _dad after all_ , even if you are a big fat meanie!" He spoke innocently, placing his hands on his sides, since hips were practically nonexistent in his rotund stature. "But I mainly wanted to check on you, see if you're still angry, and you are! Now that's surprising!"

King Spade grumbled, putting away the only magazine he was given to read, which was "Everything Fantastic About Rouxls Kaard", which he usually read for a good laugh. "Lancer, I will _never_ change for you, or the lightners. I know my ways, and I will adhere to them, and the Knight's demands. The second I get out of here, I'm going to crush both you _and_ the lightners!" He bellowed whilst giving a cruel smile at the thought.

Lancer frowned, pouting. "Aww, but I had an actually good idea this time, pops! It was a thing called a compra… compromo… campervan… COMPROMISE! Yeah! Compromise!"

King Spade's angered expression faltered for a moment. "Com… promise…? What does that word mean?" He asked, growing curious. "Explain, runt!"

"Well y'see dad, a compromise is this thing I learned about from Ralsei! Its where both people reach some kind of decision though making deals so that they can both get what they want and be happy!" He exclaimed while explaining. "It's like a win-win, with both get our cakes and eat them too! … That's how the saying goes, right?"  
The second Lancer mentioned the name 'Ralsei', King Spade's tone shifted to one of absolute disgust. "Of _course_ it's a lightner's teaching!" He grunted. "You're an utter fool, Lancer. I will _not_ follow with this idea!" The King turned his head away from Lancer, folding his arms.

Lancer frowned with childish frustration. "Why do you have to be so stubborn? I just want you to actually _enjoy_ something for once, dad." He muttered. "It's always "BLAHAHAGAH I'MA KILL ALL THEM LIGHTNAHS AND RESTUR THE SHADOWSES TO THE GLORY, BLAGHAHAGHA!", just like that! Plus, if you actually did follow with this idea, it'd mean you get to come out of the cage, and we'd be a family again, just like before!"

When Lancer said it could mean he'd get out of the cage, that was enough for him to view it as a possible opportunity for release. "… Go on." He coldly said, slowly turning back towards his son. Lancer beamed happily upon seeing this. He thought he was getting through to him after all this time!

"YES! Ha ha, Lancer's time to shine is finally here! Alright, so, here's the dealmabobber. You'll be let free if… uh… uhm…" His speech rambled off. He didn't think he'd actually get this far.

"Out with it, runt!" King Spade demanded, shouting to Lancer. Thankfully that was somehow enough for his somewhat dimwitted son to regain his thoughts.

"Aha! To be let free, you have to find me a new mom-ee! Genius!" He raised his arms in the air proudly, amazed by his own pure and utter genius. King Spade's angered expression faded from his face yet again, replaced by one of raw disbelief.

"… What." Was all that King Spade could really say in reply.

"You heard me, pops!" Lancer pointed towards his downtrodden father. "If you want out, you need to find me a new momma! I never even _got_ to meet my own, and I don't even know what one is, but I want one! From the way Ralsei described them, they're really really sweet!"

King Spade emitted a faint growl of anger, looking down. Such a ridiculous request… for a lot of reasons… then again… what would stop him from thrashing everyone then and there when he got out of the cage? A fiendish smile arose on his face as he looked back to Lancer. "Well, my son. Although…" He stood up, grunting. "… While I doubt anyone could ever replace your mother, I don't see why we cannot try."

Lancer smiled brightly, tongue hanging out in pure joy. His father was finally willing to make an effort! "I knew you'd come around! Okay okay, I'll get a guard to open the cell, and you wait here!" He scurried off, full of pride. King Spade watched him do so before hunching over as he left, rubbing his hands together and snickering ominously, awaiting his freedom to wreak havoc on the world that put him away. Was a mother being "sweet" the only reason Lancer wanted one? What would King Spade do to everyone when he was out of the cell? Does the author even know what she's doing? Probably not! But there may be answers in store later on…

 ****


	2. Chapter 2: The Coming of Darkness

Let's continue. Now then, after a few minutes, Lancer returned down the elevator yet again. This time a Rudinn Ranger accompanied him, shaking somewhat all the while. Lancer still seemed incredibly happy though, unaware of the Rudinn Ranger's anxiety. "Are you POSITIVE we should be letting your father out of his cell, your majesty?" The Rudinn Ranger asked, looking to Lancer.

"Oh come on, he said he would be willing to try, and so he shall!" Lancer said, smiling to the Rudinn Ranger. The Ranger slowly looked at King Spade in his cell, who stared back down at him with a menacing grin full of growing anticipation.

"… I-I certainly hope you have a plan for this, your majesty…" The Rudinn Ranger reluctantly handed Lancer the key to the cell. Lancer gladly took it, approaching the door and putting the key into the lock, giving it a turn as King Spade seized the opportunity. King slammed the cage door open, laughing almost crazily as he stormed out and socked the Rudinn Ranger square in the head, knocking him across the ground and into a wall, lodging his head inside it. He looked to Lancer, pointing to him.

"FOOLISH CHILD! I can't believe you honestly think after what you've done that I, King, would submit so willingly!? You have sealed the fate of your "friends" and yourself! GWAHAHAHAHA!" King Spade raised a hand up, summoning spade-shaped projectiles that were all aimed at Lancer.

… Though he was cut short as Lancer abruptly hopped up and slapped some sort of collar on his neck, taking a remote out. "No! Bad father!" He said, hitting a button. King Spade's shots vanished into thin air as he was violently electrocuted by the collar, spazzing in place before landing on the ground with a thud.

King grumbled as he sat up, rubbing his head. "What in the Jevil was _that_?!" He demanded to know, infuriated by the sudden pain. A faint ' _Chaos, chaos!'_ was heard from nowhere. How spooky.

Lancer chuckled while hopping from side to side. "Gotcha! Heheh! I didn't trust _you_ fully either, evil dad!" He flaunted the remote. "That's why I had Rouxls Kaard make me this from a spare puzzle! Its a little technology thing that makes it so I can shock you whenever you start acting like a dumb dad! This way you'll be _forced_ to act nice! Haha! I'm such a genius!" He said triumphantly.

King Spade stared, angered beyond belief. Not just at himself, but at his son yet again. Outwitted by his son _again_? He couldn't believe this. Both his mouths twisted into expressions of pure anger. "You rotten little piece of garbage… I'LL KILL YOU!" He yelled, quickly getting up and making another charge for Lancer. Though all it took was the push of a button and he got electrocuted, falling onto the ground yet again.

"Nah-ah! No killing for daddy! But like I said, you'd get let out and be entirely free _if_ you found me a new mom! So let's get to it, okay?" Lancer suggested.

King pulled himself back up, growling and looking back to his son. He was about to raise his arm to throw another onslaught of projectiles… until he remembered he'd just get shocked again, lowering his head at the realization that he could no longer do this without consequence. '… I am going to murder Rouxls Kaard for this…' He thought to himself before sighing. The physical activity was making him tired on top of being electrocuted too. He couldn't be bothered to keep trying.

King looked towards his son yet again. Admittedly, seeing Lancer so proud and able to claim dominion even over his own father was rather impressive. His anger blinded his proudness though. "… So… _son_ …" He said, looking like 'son' was the last thing he wanted to call Lancer right now. "How do you suggest we find you a new mother? From what I gather the only women down here are Hathys and that Clover thing… and I am not touching a single one." He folded his arms, dead set on that statement. Though upon saying that somewhere, somehow, the heart of a Hathy broke. As in she literally just ripped in half out of nowhere. Everyone who saw it was traumatized. Even you.

Lancer finally got his dad to comply! Complete victory for Lancer! But thought of victory aside, he _did_ have to come up with an idea for his father to find him a new mother. "Hmmm… oh! I got an idea! There's bound to be more ladies wherever Susie and Kris went!" He suggested.

"You're suggesting we go to _their domain?!_ I don't _dare_ try to tread into the realm of the lightners. From the stories, it's so full of _light_ and not a single person _fights_ … blegh… completely revolting…" He grumbled. The dark fountain had been sealed off, but ever since it was an odd hole had appeared in the sky very far off to the west of the Card Castle. Perhaps that was the main point of access.

Lancer strutted up to his father's side and pat his arm. "Well, it's either that or you're marrying a Hathy for my mom!" He stated. He honestly didn't care who was chosen to be his mom, as long as she was nice. Hathys were pretty nice, even if they were a bit slimy.

King grunted as he looked down towards Lancer. He knew he had been locked in a new prison. One that could even be considered worse than the one he was in before, as it was ran by his son. But now that he had the collar on, he knew he had to comply with his son's demands. "… Grrrgh… _fine_ … but I am permitted to kill at least _one_ lightner while I'm there." He stated, trying to gain some footing in this deal.

"Mmm… we'll see about that, if they're like, really really bad. Like _way_ bad. Like, about as bad as you! But I doubt it if Susie was the _baddest_ one. At least that's what Ralsei told me. Anyways…" Lancer climbed onto his father's shoulders, mounting him in a forced piggy back ride. "Onwards, soon-to-be-married-dad!" He pointed forwards, ready and raring to go find him a wife.

King Spade grumbled as he trudged into the elevator, heading back up to the first floor of the castle and walking outside. He passed some Rudinn Rangers who were currently trying to patch up a Head Hathy that had ripped in half out of nowhere in the courtyard. How strange. He continued his long, grueling walk towards the far west, albeit he had to stop to take a breather every now and then. He really should get into shape. Lancer had picked up a rope with a hook from the bake sale that had been advertised as a "special present" for buying 10 chocolate diamonds. After what felt like forever, they made it to the entry point, which appeared to be the same spot Kris and Susie fell down from. Hm. None the less, Lancer gave his father the rope, which he swung around and threw towards the hole in the sky. Thankfully he gave it enough force to breach out of the hole and cling onto solid ground. And thus, the two darkners made their way to the surface… 


	3. Chapter 3: The Start of Something Good?

We now move onto a new setting. A school. The one that Kris had been attending and the very same one the dark world was housed in. Though our focus is not a King, but a deer. Noelle. Who had been preparing for this day, walking down the northern hallway by the other classrooms with letter in hand. She had been working up the nerve to talk to Susie ever since Kris told her what kind of person Susie was. Hearing she was actually a nice person was enough to relieve her of her worries. Noelle held the letter tightly, staring down at it before glancing forward. There she was. Susie.

Noelle cautiously approached, taking a deep breath to regain her composure from her rather overwhelming fear. "E-Excuse me, uhm… Susie?" She spoke softly. Susie currently had her head in some person's locker she broke into, searching through its contents before looking to Noelle, raising an eyebrow.

"… Yeah? What do you want?" She asked. Mainly crass because Noelle was the last person she ever expected to openly approach and talk to her. That and the thought of appearing weak enough even for _Noelle_ to feel comfortable around her was a little irritating.

"I was just thinking… about a lot of things and uhm… I… wanted you to have this letter. It tells me how I feel, and how I-I feel is… Susie… I-" Noelle was cut short as the door to the empty classroom she was standing by flung open, nailing her entirety and knocking her onto the ground and leaving her unconscious. A stout white leg with a blue boot jutting out of the entryway to the classroom as King stomped on into the place. Lancer followed behind, holding a boom box that was currently playing "The Adventures of Sonic The Hedgehog Dr. Robotnik Theme".

King Spade looked to him, confused. "Turn off that stupid music!" He demanded. Lancer obliged, turning the music off and tossing the boom box back into the room with noises of a ruckus.

Susie stared at the two of them with eyes wide and mind nearly blank. Lancer just scuttled out of the dark world, with his _father_ no less. "… Lancer." She managed to process her words. "What. The. _Hell?"_

"… Oh hey Susie! Good to see ya!" Lancer waved to her, now that he had her attention. "We are here for your women!" He said, placing his hands on his sides, tongue hanging out lazily. King Spade grumbled to himself, looking around at the students passing by. Which mostly seemed to be terrified of him, about as much as they did with Susie. One even stuffed themselves into a locker for good measure.

"Lancer how did you and YOUR DAD even come here?!" She asked. By all logic they should not be able to come here. That and she was angered at the fact that after all their work Lancer let King Spade loose.

"Ohh, that's a good question. Y'see we found this hole in the sky that was made by the power of… uh…" He glanced at his father. "What was it dad?" His dad replied; "Plot convenience." Lancer pointed his finger in the air. "PLOT CONVINIENCE! And when we climbed up and out of it we came out of some kind of closet in that room that had mini versions of everybody! It was so weird… anyways yeah, there's not really anyone that my dad would actually be okay with marrying back home, so we came here!"

"Wait, marry? You're finding someone to marry _him?_ You gotta be joking!" Susie really couldn't believe it.

"Nope! Not joking in the slightest! But it is still pretty funny!" Stated Lancer, speaking honestly and truly.

"Okay but why did you think it was okay to bring him out _here_ where he could kill literally anyone…?" Susie asked, looking to King Spade. King looked back at her, giving her an unruly look of disgust, as if he hated her for her very existence. Which he did. A lot. And for good reason.

"Because this little goblin put a shock collar on me…" He muttered, pointing to his neck, which still had the collar on it, albeit it was barely noticeable.

"Shock collar?" Susie raised an eyebrow. _Now_ she was interested. Lancer nodded. "Yeah yeah! I got the remote right here!" He held the remote out. Susie looked to him. "Lemme see it." She commanded. Lancer nodded yet again, eagerly handing it to her. King Spade's eyes… or… eye. Hard to tell what that is. Widened.

"WAIT-" He shouted, but he was cut short as Susie pressed the button without hesitation, giving him a shock. And she didn't exactly stop when he was on the ground, pressing it a few more times for good measure, laughing excitedly with Lancer.

"Ghahaha! Oh _man_ this is gonna be more fun than I thought!" She exclaimed through her laughter, eventually easing up on hitting the button.

Lancer clapped his hands in agreement. "I know, right? Plus this way he'll be able to wind up becoming a good guy in no time!" He said.

King Spade laid there, twitching a little before pulling himself back up. He emitted a growl from the mouths on his head and his stomach. How dearly he wanted to beat the two of them to a pulp. But alas, he could not. "… Well it most certainly isn't going to be _you_ , wench." He snapped, glaring at Susie. "Not after what you've done to me and my son…"

"Wouldn't even _dream_ of it, fatso." Susie snickered back while giving a sly smirk.

Lancer took the remote back from Susie. "Okay, I think that's enough shocking my dad for giggles… Hey! Susie! You're a girl, right? Do _you_ know of any women that my dad could marry?"

Susie's smirk faded from her face, eyes widening yet again as she rubbed the back of her neck whilst scratching her cheek. Some beads of sweat formed on her brow. "Oh… uh… I'm… not the romantic type, y'know. But eeh… there's a lot of them around the neighborhood? I guess? Not that I'd know exactly _where_ girls would be, aheheh…"

"Ohhhhhh, okay! So they're everywhere here! That works perfectly! Man, this is so exciting. I'm finally going to have a momma! And my dad is going to have a queen!" He danced in place with glee, putting the remote away.

"I couldn't care less about having a queen…" King Spade muttered, folding his arms. Admittedly he never thought much of his previous wife either… marriage and companionship was always the last thing on his mind. "Can we leave already? This place reeks of paste, hormones, and…" He sniffed. "… Instant ramen noodles?"

"Oh come now pops, every king needs a queen, just like _I_ may someday! … Ooh, haven't thought about that." He placed a hand on his chin, looking back to Susie. "Hey Susie! Wanna be my queen when my dad dies someday?" He asked. King Spade shot him a bewildered look.

Susie's nervous sweat got worse. "… Uhhhhhhhhhh…" She really wasn't sure how to respond to that in the slightest. But Lancer was awaiting an answer. She had to say something. Although, it was _Lancer_ , she didn't have to take him seriously, right? "… Suuuure?" She awkwardly smiled to him.

Lancer took Susie's hands. "Then it's settled! When my pops dies and I become king, we're getting married!" He stated happily. Whether or not he was going to live up to that statement was up to the future.

Susie blinked, taking her hands out of his grip. "R-Right… anyways I have classes to go to… I guess…" She wasn't planning on going to them on time but she was willing to take any escape from this awkward situation. "…I'll see you two later. Hopefully not you, fatwad." She said while glaring at King Spade. He growled back at her.

"Okay then?" He looked a little skeptical, none the less Lancer turned to his dad. "Let's get out of this place, and off to find ladies!" He jauntily stomped on out of the place. King Spade watched him do so, glancing at Susie for a moment and sticking his tongue out at her before following his son out. Susie was going to try and pretend that didn't happen for the rest of the day… and ignore the fact Noelle was unconscious on the floor. Like she'd be the one to drag her into class. None the less, off they went into the world, searching for the possible mother and companion that could suit the both of them. Who knows what the heck the lady that could fit the both of them would be like?


	4. Chapter 4: Undyne-ing Discomfort

As the two darkners exited the school, they were greeted with… light. A giant one. Hanging in the sky. The sun. King Spade looked up towards it and held a hand above his brow, squinting as he gazed at it somewhat. They had a gigantic light hanging in their world? How annoying.

"Are you _kidding me_? They have a giant ball of light in the sky?! I'm only beginning to hate this place more and more…" King Spade grumbled looking back down away from it and folding his arms, taking a look around the place. It was currently school hours, so there wasn't many people out and about at the moment.

Lancer on the other hand was staring directly up towards the sun, blankly smiling at it. "… Wow! Staring at it is like turning my eyes into scrambled eggs!" He said with a giggle before looking around himself. "Though wow… this place is really different than home… but where are the ladies?" He asked, starting to walk off east a bit aimlessly.

King Spade reluctantly followed Lancer, taking in his surroundings. To him, it was awfully feeble and deplorable… the colors, the architecture, everything about it felt too _warm_. He wouldn't be surprised if the people reflected that, in which case his son's desire for a new mother may be a worthless endeavor.  
He was soon stopped in his tracks by Lancer, however, as they were right by the "Librarby"… whoever spelt it that way really ought to be fired.

"Look, dad! A lady!" He was pointing over towards… Undyne, who was still standing between the two cars, yelling at them to get out of her way. This has been going for days, apparently. None the less Lancer saw this as a good opportunity for his dad to get started. "Alright, go on. Talk to her!" He said, looking to King Spade and grinning eagerly.

"… Hmph, although her appearance isn't utterly _repulsive_ I _refuse_ to go over there." He grunted, placing his hands on his sides and tilting his head up in a sneer. It wasn't that he didn't _want_ to, he definitely did want to get this over with. But it was mainly the fact that he had _absolutely no idea how to talk to women._

"Oh come on dad… wait… ohhh, okay I get you! You need to learn how to talk to girls. Don't worry, I actually know a thing or two from watching Ralsei and Susie talk to everyone else back down there! Let me show you how the _master_ can get you introduced." He said, pointing two thumbs at himself before raising a hand up and sliding it down along his face, blessing it with the most handsomest face that ever did handsome. You know the one. King Spade stared, unamused, sighing and slowly putting his head in the palm of one of his hands.

He then slid on over towards Undyne, leaning on one of the halted cars with a hand and ready to work his… "mojo". "Hey hey there fishy cakes, you got a minute~?" He asked, his face still all too glorious for a mere mortal to comprehend.

Undyne stopped her yelling for a moment, looking down towards Lancer. Her high strung expression faded to one of pure confusion and slight discomfort at the sight of his face. Lancer continued, "You see, my dad is a pretty rad dude, and he's _single._ You should _totally-"_ And yet again, like a lot of characters in these recent chapters, he was cut short as Undyne grabbed him by the face. "… Oh." He muttered. And she lifted him up, planting him on the hood of the car to her right. He emitted a cartoonish squeaky toy noise upon being pinned.

"QUIET, CREEP! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!" She shouted at him, getting out her handcuffs and starting pin Lancer's arms behind his back. Admittedly she wasn't sure what the heck Lancer was, but just that he was sure acting creepy, and that was a good enough reason for her to arrest him. That and she had still been bored from yelling at cars, so she needed _something_ to do.

Lancer lifted his head from the hood of the car. "Wow, I'm getting the weirdest sense of déjà vu right now! Say are you Susie's cousin?" He asked, looking back at her, only for his head to be pinned back down. "I _said_ , YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!" Undyne shouted back at him. A muffled "ok" emitted from Lancer as his head was pressed back down.

King Spade glanced up from his hand back over to them, growling and starting to make his way over towards Undyne, raising a hand up and about to lob a flurry of spade shaped projectiles at her. Lancer was still somewhat capable of moving though, and he tilted his head back up, glancing to his father and shaking his head somewhat. King Spade stared at him before lowering his arm, grumbling and approaching Undyne directly. "… _Ahem."_

Undyne stopped and looked towards King Spade, eying him up. "… Ohhh, we got another one now, huh?" She spoke, a determined and confident grin on her face, as usual. "You're a lot bigger than your little friend here, maybe you'll be more of a _challenge_!" She let go of Lancer, turning to King Spade and cracking her knuckles. She was _definitely_ desperate for some action.

King Spade would gladly accept this challenge, if not for the obvious. He huffed, shaking his head. "No. First of all, that's my _son_. Secondly, as much as I wouldn't mind engaging in combat, I _can't_ at the moment." He said, handling it surprisingly well… or as much as he could handle it, that is.

"… Oh." Undyne glanced back down towards Lancer before looking back towards King Spade. "… Well, hey! Sorry about that, gheh… been a bit wound up tight since these two cars won't move it." She glared between the two in question. They had long been abandoned by their drivers because Undyne hadn't budged. "That plus you guys look _really_ shady." She squinted at King Spade.

"… What? Shady? I don't look shady. Is it the hood?" King Spade asked, pointing to his head. Lancer sat up, staring at his father quietly until; "WE'RE WEARING HOODS?!" He exclaimed in newfound realization, this revelation changing everything he knew.

"Nah nah, its not the hoods. You guys just look pretty dang freaky! Overall!" Undyne stated. "But I guess that was a misunderstanding back there. Even though it _was_ , new faces gotta go through inspection by _me._ " She stated. She had done this to every newcomer to the town… which usually just involved shaking them until something came out. Even if it was blood.

"Inspection? I'm not following through any accursed inspection…" King Spade stated, grumpily folding his arms. Lancer leaned up towards his father, whispering; "We better do what she says, dad. She has a _police hat_." He stated. King Spade looked down at him, wondering what that had to do with anything, but since Lancer was the one truly calling the shots here, he went with it. "… Nevermind, just get it over with." He said, growing impatient.

Undyne nodded, glad they were compliant, but disappointed that they weren't. That meant she couldn't beat the absolute crap out of someone. "Alright then, this won't take too long, civiliians." And thus, she picked up Lancer. "… DROP SOMETHING, MUSHBALL!" She yelled at him, before holding him upside down and shaking him violently.

Lancer gave intelligible gibberish as he was shook around in a blur. He did eventually start dropping out a lot of things. A rubber duck, a bucket, a phone, 10 chocolate diamonds, the remote to King Spade's shock collar, a C. Round somehow, which just ran off upon being dropped, a copy of Undertale 2; Ft. Sans Undertale from the Devil May Cry Series, an autographed picture of Waluigi, some firecrackers, and a Ralsei plush. Undyne stopped when Lancer finished dropping everything on his person, chuckling dizzily afterwards. "I think my brains are in my stomach now, heheh!" He said, waving around in her grip.

Undyne dropped him, looking through the stuff. "Hrmmmgh… none of this seems suspicious... Though weird remotes need inspecting!" She said, standing up and taking the remote out of the pile. She looked it over before giving the button a quick press. As expected, King Spade got shocked, but it was only a small jolt this time. "GRK! WHY?!" He questioned, wondering why literally everyone feels the need to press the button. Undyne raised an eyebrow. "Ah, just a shock collar then. No big deal." She said, not feeling the need to question it as long as it meant the big guy was inhibited.

She kept a hold of it as she approached King Spade now. Lancer wobbly got back up on his feet as she started patting King Spade down, eventually stopping at his stomach mouth and prying it open, peeking inside. King Spade was tempted to bite her head off… but she was the one holding the remote now. Curses. "Yup, this all checks out…" Undyne said, still fairly disappointed before standing back upright. "Consider yourselves lucky, but don't let me catch you two doing anything illegal, or you're both dead meat!" She said with a smile. Though just then she actually got a call on her police radio, spouting out what sounded like a lot of distorted gibberish, but that was good enough for her. "YES! FINALLY! I'm going now, theres an emergency somewhere and I have no idea where but I'm gonna find the person and SUPLEX 'EM! LATER, CITIZENS!" And thus, Undyne eagerly ran off to find some action.

King Spade watched her run off, giving a grunt and looking back towards Lancer, who shook his head and watched her run off as well. "… Wow, she was really something, huh dad?" He asked, grinning widely and looking back towards his Father. He wouldn't mind having her as a mother, at least she'd be fun… probably. King Spade wasn't really impressed or interested. "… She was loud and _annoying_. It won't be her, Lancer." He firmly stated. Lancer pouted. "Aww… ah well! Theres bound to be more fish in the soup! Lets keep looking! But don't rule her out yet, she could still be a good option, okay?" King Spade grunted yet again as the two of them continued walking. So that was their first impression? Freaky? Well she wasn't wrong, but they'd have to do better than that if Lancer wanted a mother… 


	5. Chapter 5: The Rouxls and Regulations

We now return to our two main characters, King Spade and Lancer, both of them sitting down at a bench after a while of trying to socialize with various women. King Spade was leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees and propping his head up, sighing deeply. Thus far, most women he's come across here have done one of three things; 1. Ran off screaming. 2. Smack him in the head. 3. Call the police, aka have Undyne come and suplex him into the ground. He was used to showing hatred and domination towards others, but this was actually getting to him a bit. Lancer couldn't do much himself, but he was always trying to come up with ideas to help his father, but most of them wound up causing one of the options listed above.

"I don't get it… why don't women like you, dad? You're evil but you aren't ugly enough to be _unlovable_ … I think." Lancer said, rubbing his chin and looking up towards his father. King Spade looked down towards him, not looking angry or furious for once in his life, but mainly saddened and irritated by all this effort. "… Lancer, my son. I am not _meant_ to marry again, it simply won't work. This whole ordeal also feels like a new form of suffering to me. I would prefer if I went back to the cell…" He said, making it clear that he's given this whole thing up, especially after the mass amounts of failure.

"Dad, don't give up now! It hasn't even been a full day! We aren't going to let the failure of, what, 6 women? Get you down! I just need to think of something… oh! Maybe we could get someone else to help... but who…?" He thought some more, before a new idea dawned on him. "Ooh, I got it! Okay dad, wait here, and don't move an inch!" He said, looking towards his father and gesturing for him to stay before hopping off, running back towards the school. King Spade watched him do so, brow cocked up at one side, confused.

30 minutes later…

"DAD!" Lancer hollered, standing on the stomach of his sleeping dad, who of course had fallen asleep on the bench. He snorted, looking towards Lancer. "Nnngh… what is it?" He muttered, sitting up as Lancer hopped off of his stomach.

"I've found someone who can help us!" He stated proudly. "Behold!" And he gestured to the air by him. King Spade looked over to see… no one. "… There's no one there, Lancer." He stated, though eventually…

A beautiful beam of light pierced the sky above, moving quickly as it touched the ground, glowing brighter before fading into the middle, the man himself standing there, Rouxls Kaard. "Behold! Is't me, Rouxls Kaard, here to serve mine king!" He said, raising a hand up and taking a bow. King Spade stared at him blankly, though there was currently the thought of 50 different ways to kill Rouxls Kaard going through his head right now. Most of which involved Rouxls's neck. Lancer stared, mouth agate in joy and bewilderment. He always thought that entrance was _so. Cool._ And it was. You can't deny.

"So, mine king is having troublesome encounters with thouse of the feminine typest, hmmm?" He stood back upright, hands up at his sides. "Well ist just so happeneths that I amst quite the charmer of women!" He stated proudly, winking to them both.

"… You can't be serious. _You? Good with women?_ Since _when?_ " King Spade asked, growling towards Rouxls Kaard. Rouxls Kaard simply chuckled. "Ah, mine King, you musteth know of mine dating tips, mm? After all, I lefteth you thou'st favorite magazine, "Everything Fantastic Aboutst Rouxls Kaard"! I've seen thou reading through it with greatest interest!" He stated, liking the fact that King Spade did take interest in his magazine, but not for the reason he thought. "It would be mine honor to aid thou and thou's dearest son in the quest for a new queen!"

King Spade groaned, laying back down. This only got worse for him. He could deal with Lancer, but now he has to deal with Rouxls Kaard and his glorification. He always hated the way he talked too. Lancer giggled with glee. "Now we're gonna be able to get you a wife for sure!" He claimed, pointing back to his father. "And its all thanks to lesser dad!" He looked to Rouxls Kaard.

"Never call me that." He commanded, blankly looking at Lancer before looking back to King Spade. "Now then, mine King, the first thing thou ought to know is't that women like the male with _confidence_ , and _pride_! From what Lancer statedeth, thou tends to approach'st and simply demand'st that a women be your wife, hmm?"

King Spade looked back at him. "… How _else_ are you supposed to do it?" He asked. He really had no idea when it came to romance. He was lucky to find a woman for himself in the first place. Rouxls Kaard shook his head. "That be a little'st too much confidence, mine King. You can'st demand'st that a woman simply become thou'st wife! Winning a woman takes _work_ and _time_ , thou must start with finding one to sticketh to!" He promptly stated.

"Well in case you haven't noticed, fool, we've already talked with near to all the available women in this accursed place." King Spade grumbled. School was still in session, so not _everyone_ was out and about. It was mostly miscellaneous monster women. "And they've all already rejected me, and I am _not_ willing to get suplexed again." He grunted.

"Ah, a lack of possible woo-targets, mmm?" Rouxls Kaard looked down, thinking. Lancer did the same. "… Oh! I have an idea, we could ask Kris! He's bound to know a thing or two about this place too! Actually, we should get together with him and Susie, and make the #$% Squad Version 2!" He said, dreaming big, and still not knowing what $ % meant. Rouxls Kaard looked at Lancer and gasped.

"LANCER! LANGUAGE!" He stated. "Wherest did thou even learnest that word?!" Lancer looked at him and shrugged. "From Susie? It was our team name! We still need our monogramed jackets though, I should bug Ralsei for that." He chuckled, ignoring Rouxls Kaard's shock. "Anyways I wonder where Kris is… lets go looking for him! In the meantime, if you see any new lady, go talk to her dad, and have lesser dad give you advice!"

"Quit-est calling me that!" Rouxls Kaard demanded. King Spade gave a deep growl as he sat up. Back up and having to move, as usual. He was getting sick of this. Now he had to look for yet another person that dethroned him and watch while being unable to do anything. Even expect another _shock_ too. Either way he got up and the three of them started moving throughout the town, looking around the place for Kris, or a possible new lady.

And in a few more minutes, the school gave its last school bell ring, and the students were dismissed, heading out of the front. Naturally among the crowd, Kris could be seen. Lancer was currently on Rouxls Kaard's shoulders… who was on King Spade's shoulders, who was currently staring at the ground and mumbling while they searched around. Lancer looked over and gasped, pointing. "THERE HE… SHE… I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS KRIS IS IS!" He shouted. Most of the students were just looking at the three of them weirdly, though when Kris saw them they stopped dead in their tracks, just staring. "Move, dad, move!" He said, looking down at King Spade, he grunted and stomped on over to Kris, dropping Rouxls Kaard and Lancer off his shoulders. "Oh mine!" Rouxls Kaard yelped as he tumbled off with Lancer.

"You, tell me where I can find a woman, _now_." King Spade commanded as he loomed over Kris. Kris didn't really seem all too phased or nervous… mostly just blank in expression and confused. Lancer hopped up, running to his dad's side to clarify to Kris. "He means we want to find a woman he can marry! Also hi Kris! Wowza, you look a lot less blue! Did you get a tan? I always wanted to get one but lesser dad never agreed to roast me over a campfire." He said, reining true to the fact he was indeed a precious little marshmallow.

Kris didn't say much, but they did clarify that they didn't know any girls besides Susie. Which was a lie. But Kris lied because… well… why on Earth would they want King Spade marrying their mom. Rouxls Kaard squinted, however. He wasn't exactly buying it, like he ever would with someone as expressionless as Kris.

"Aww, you sure? I would've thought you would be good with ladies considering how close Susie is to you." Lancer said, disappointed. Kris simply shrugged and said sorry before continuing to walk off to avoid further investigation from them, also telling Lancer not to let King Spade free of the collar. Lancer nodded. Though both him and King Spade were pulled into a huddle by Rouxls Kaard, who whispered to them; "That child is't hiding something, I can tellest by the wayest he cut us short…" He said.

King Spade honestly didn't care, and would rather tear Rouxls Kaard's arm off of his neck. Lancer looked confused. "What? Why would Kris hide something from us? Unless…" Lancer thought for a moment before gasping. "Kris must be hoarding all the women!" He proclaimed. Rouxls Kaard nodded. "Yes, now thou is't learning the puzzles of lightners! Thus, I say we pursue and follow, maybest the child will leadest us to the women, hm?" He suggested. The idea was incredibly silly, but it's to be expected around those two.

"That is the stupidest plan I've ever heard…" King Spade stated, grumbling. Rouxls Kaard raised an eyebrow to him. Though it did dawn on him… he could oppose King Spade now. "… Does't thou havest any better plans?" He asked, almost smugly. King Spade looked at Rouxls Kaard, growling deeply as both his mouths curled into a snarl. "… No." King Spade said through gritted teeth. Rouxls Kaard stood back upright. "Then the matter is't settled, come, we shall followeth the child!" He said, pointing to Kris off in the distance. Lancer nodded and began to proceed and sneak along, just like with Susie. Rouxls Kaard followed suit, and King Spade stood there for a moment before following them with great reluctance. And thus, the now _three_ darkners began to follow Kris home… 


	6. Chapter 6: Kris is in Pain

**A/N; Life stuff takes priority. There will most likely not be daily uploads for this fanfic like there used to be but you can expect at least 2-5 additions to it each week, except on weekends. Sorry for the inconvenience but thanks a bunch for the positive feedback and views, its what keeps this going.**

Kris was heading up to the front door of their house. It had been an okay school day, nothing especially eventful has happened ever since they and Susie went to the dark world. They mostly went there to visit with lancer and whatnot. Though it was slightly concerning that King Spade was out of his cell and on the surface with Lancer and Rouxls Kaard now, Kris didn't worry about that. They knew if King Spade was a real problem, he would've attacked them. But he didn't. So they're going to continue on like it's any other day. 

Unfortunately for Kris, it wasn't any other day. The three darkners they wished to avoid were now currently hiding in the bushes around Kris's house, peeking out once the ghost was clear. "This must be Kris's house…" Lancer whispered to them. "And so, the ladies must be inside!" He claimed. Rouxls Kaard nodded in confirmation. King Spade just rolled his eyes. The author has been informed he has eyes, they're just shaded out by the hood. Who knew?

The three of them stepped out of the bushes, heading to the doorstep and just sort of standing there. King Spade glanced between the two of them. "… Well? Aren't one of you going to open it?" He asked. Lancer shook his head. "I can't open it, I can't even reach the handle!" He said. He was indeed too short for it. Rouxls Kaard glanced at King. "I do believest thou shalt do the honors." He smiled. King Spade sighed and went to open up the door, though before he could, it suddenly opened…

And they were greeted with Toriel, who had gone to the door since she heard muttering and whispering. "… Oh, hello? Can I help you?" She asked with a warm smile. Lancer looked up to her and instantly slapped his hands to his cheeks, gasping for what seemed like nonstop. King Spade glanced at her, raising an eyebrow. Rouxls Kaard's eyes twinkled and he picked up Lancer, whispering to King Spade. "Now it is't thou chance! Make the move." He said before leaping off of the doorstep with Lancer fabulously, leaving a trail of sparkles. King Spade and Toriel watched them do so before King Spade slowly looked back to her.

Toriel blinked a few times, and King Spade just stared silently. Before he remembered he actually had to talk. "… Ahem… er… hello." He finally spoke up. "I, am King Spade, ruler of the darkners. Tell me, who are you?" He asked. Toriel looked a little confused at the statement, but she wasn't one to turn away company.

"Oh! Well pleased to meet you, King." She said, still having that usual welcoming smile. "I'm Toriel. What brings you here?" She asked. Great, he needed an explanation now, and he had absolutely no idea how to be smooth about it. He thought for a moment.

"Er, my… son. Knows your child, from school… Kris. Yes, that's it. Kris." He said. "So I thought I'd simply stop by and… get to meet the family that my son has been talking about." He spoke. He technically wasn't lying, but it was still a bit of a lie. Rouxls Kaard looked at Lancer, who was still stuck in a perpetual gasp, until he threw him over to King Spade, hitting the side of his head with yet another cartoonish squeaky toy noise. That was enough to snap him out of it as he hopped up onto his feet by King Spade. "Hi there! I am the son in question! Also hey are you single-" King Spade put a hand over his son's mouth. "… Pardon him, he's been rather… hyper… for these past few days."

Toriel giggled. How lovely that Kris managed to make such peculiar friends! "Ooh, in that case care to come in? We just barely returned from school and I'm about to make dinner. I'm sure Kris would love it if you joined us." She offered. Lancer smiled brightly, tongue hanging out as he looked back up towards King Spade. King Spade was honestly surprised with how she was acting… "Er… sure? That'd be great." He said, doing his best to give a kind smile, though it looked like a mix between him being in pain while also being tickled. He could rarely genuinely smile without looking like he was going to murder someone.

Toriel nodded. "Please come in then, Kris is upstairs at the moment but I'll go tell him that his friends are here." And she walked off inside. Lancer stepped inside with King Spade. Lancer was ogling at how different it was from his home, and how there was such a lack of stone to be found. That and death traps. They were always inconvenient to work around. King Spade didn't like it as much though, giving a snort of disapproval. He looked behind himself at Rouxls Kaard, who gave them a double thumbs up before beaming away, most likely going to return when this little event was over.

Toriel went over to the stairs, "Kris, your friends are here! Why don't you come say hi?" She called up to them. She then went off to the kitchen, starting to resume preparing dinner. "Please, make yourselves at home. This may take a little while, so why don't you catch up with Kris?" She suggested, looking at them. Lancer nodded. "Okay, pretty lady that lives in Kris's house!" He gave a thumbs up. King Spade sat down in one of the comfy chairs, still looking around in disapproval. Thankfully it wasn't Chairiel, the chair reserved specifically for goat mothers.

Kris soon made their way down the stairs. And were greeted with a horrible sight. King Spade. In their house. After Lancer had told Kris that King Spade was looking to marry. And since they didn't let them in, that meant their _mom_ let them in. Oh no. Did you get confused by this paragraph? Yeah, they did too.

Lancer looked at Kris and smiled. "Hey Kris! You never told me that you had a _mom_. Or a house, for that matter! Either way she said we could stay for dinner! Isn't that great?" He asked. Kris desperately wanted to respond "no no no no no no no no-" but against their good judgement, they simply responded "Yeah". Lancer scooted up by Kris, whispering to them; "By the way, it's cool if my dad starts dating your mom, right?" He asked. Kris slowly turned their head to Lancer. You know, Kris has never wanted to physically harm Lancer. Not until now, of course. Though Kris actually responded with a "No" this time.

"Aww, but why? My dad isn't _that_ bad. He can learn! And he has been learning, just look at him! He hasn't harmed a single person here! … Kind of!" He gestured to his father. Who was just sitting quietly in a chair, mumbling to himself. "Come on, give him a chance. Please? For me?" He begged Kris. Kris thought for a moment before sighing. It couldn't _possibly_ work out between him and Toriel, right? Kris decided to just let it go, and said that he was free to try. Lancer beamed joyfully. "Yay! This is _totally_ a good idea, anyways, lets hang out while she makes dinner. I wanna see what _your_ room is since you basically broke into mine at the Card Castle!" And Lancer scurried upstairs quickly. Kris watched Lancer do so before slowly looking over towards King Spade.

King Spade looked back over at him, and Kris basically shot him a look that read 'touch her and I'll kill you in the most painful way possible'. Surprisingly, that was enough to make King Spade actually get the message, as he huffed and turned back away. Totally not afraid. Nope. Either way Kris went upstairs to join Lancer. King Spade was left there with Toriel, and he looked down, twiddling his fingers.

We'll return to these two later on…


	7. Chapter 7: Dinner Night!

We now return to bring you HIGH OCTANE VIOLENCE AND SWEARING AT LUDICROUS PACING COMPLETE WITH FULL FRONTAL NUDITY- just kidding, we can't show that. What we _can_ show is King Spade trying to make a move on Toriel. Why don't we focus on that now? Ahem.

King Spade eventually stood up out of the chair, looking around a little more before walking over to the kitchen. He glanced at her for a moment before looking down and clearing his throat. "So… er… Toriel, right? Is it fine if I call you Tori…?" He asked, smiling slightly, trying to make it a little more casual. Toriel stopped what she was doing the second she heard 'Tori', and sort of froze there like she was having Vietnam flashbacks. After an awkward pause that lasted near to a minute, Toriel responded; "Er… no. You can just call me Toriel." She stated. So much for _that_.

King Spade nodded, glad that the awkward air was finally cleared up. "Right, Toriel… so… me and my son are… new… to the neighborhood. What's it like living here?" He asked, trying his best to make conversation with the skills taught to him by our almighty overlord Rouxls Kaard, the greatest in wooing women. Except not really.

"Oh, did you just move here? You'll like it here, this town is _full_ of wonderful people. The schools are nice too, so I'm sure… er… Lancer, was it? I'm sure he'll enjoy his experience too." She nodded reassuringly. King Spade wasn't exactly _planning_ on moving here but… yeah no. Not unless someone blew up the sun, which he was actually considering doing.

"Yeah, sure… so…" King Spade was now drawing a blank at how to carry the conversation, glancing around nervously. He could spot Rouxls Kaard peeking up by one of the windows, smiling and trying to get his attention. He squinted, staring at him curiously. Rouxls Kaard then held up a sign that said 'Tell her she's one hot mama', on it. King Spade growled at it and shook his head. Toriel glanced at King Spade then over at the window. Rouxls Kaard ducked back down into the bushes. "What was that?" She asked. King Spade tensed up. "Nothing! Nothing… ahem… don't worry about it. It was most likely just an animal." He stated, trying to shrug it off.

"Oh, okay. None the less this will be ready soon." She said, closing the oven and standing back up, looking to him. "Anything you'd like to chat about?" She asked with a smile. King Spade twiddled his thumbs a little. "Wellllllll… this may be a little sudden, but… would you perhaps be interested in-" Kris immediately ran down the stairs and over to them, looking up to Toriel and asking 'So what are we having again?'. Mainly just to keep King Spade from ever making that offer. Ever.

"Ah, just a simple soup that I thought would be a nice change of pace. I _am_ also preparing your favorite dessert, snail pie!" She said, smiling down to Kris. Kris never had the heart to tell Toriel that they didn't enjoy it, but they've learned to tolerate it. King Spade had no idea what either of those things were. "… _Snail pie_?" He asked. Toriel looked at him and nodded. "Mhm, my specialty. I'm sure you'll love it!" And she walked over to the table, starting to get it set. Kris glanced at King Spade. Menacing stares were exchanged between the two…

"Listen up, you little runt…" King Spade snarled, whispering. "Whether you like it or not, I'm going to try to get this accursed collar off of me once and for all. And if it involves winning over your caretaker, you're going to have to _accept that_ , okay? Otherwise, this is going to get much, much harder for you…" He said, grimly frowning at Kris. He was certainly getting fed up with so many obstacles in his path. Kris seemed indifferent towards these threats, as usual, and then retaliated such a statement with; 'You're free to make it hard. She won't like that though.' They blankly said. King Spade grumbled. Great, yet _another_ person he despised that he couldn't risk harming anymore. "Mmmrgh… _fine_ … have it your way…" He muttered.

Lancer slowly slid up between the two of them. "What are we whispering about?" He asked, whispering himself. Kris simply walked away and went to help Toriel with the table. King Spade grunted. " _Nothing_." He snapped. Lancer shrugged. "Okay! I was just curious! Anyways what am I smelling right now? Is that food? I had no idea it could actually smell _good."_ He stated. Toriel giggled at the remark. "Mhm, just about finished. Please sit down, I'll be getting it ready." She said, having finished setting the table with Kris.

King Spade stood up and went over, sitting down in a chair at the table, Lancer sitting beside him and kicking his legs a bit, excited. Kris reluctantly sat on the other side by King Spade, shooting him yet another glance. "So Kris! I saw you have an extra bed here! Do you have a brother? Or a sister?" Lancer asked, curious. Kris thought back to when they first visited, and what happened when they left… Kris replied 'he's in college'. "Ohhhhh, well hey! Since its open, maybe we could have a sleepover! I could invite Susie and Ralsei too…" He asked, getting sidetracked from the goal of getting his father a wife. He was really happy to see Kris and everyone else, after all. "Susie? Erm… I think Kris would be fine if there were no girls at this sleepover…" Toriel said, overhearing the talk with her patented Mom Hearing™.

"Aww, but why? Susie isn't any trouble! She's cool, and scary!" Lancer said, trying to sway her. Kris just chose to ignore that and roll with it like they usually do. "Mmm, well… I'll think about it, if there's even a sleepover. Either way its ready!" She said, setting the food out. Lancer took a deep whiff of the aroma. Rarely did he ever smell anything that wasn't incredibly sweet or that weird stuff Rouxls Kaard makes. "Wow, that smells amazing! Like something that won't burn my teeth!" He said. Toriel looked at him, a little confused but not minding, sitting down across from King Spade.

King Spade stared at the bowl of… whatever this stuff was, that was placed before him. It didn't look _bad_ , but just peculiar. Lancer sniffed it a few times before just shoving his face into the bowl, muffled slurping noises ensued. Toriel glanced at him and giggled. "Well, I've never seen anyone so enthusiastic about my cooking. I'm flattered! Just try not to make too much of a mess, okay?" She asked. Lancer lifted his head up and nodded, face dripping with soup. King Spade got a spoonful and brought it up to his mouth, giving it a few sniffs befoooore… sip. His unapparent eyes widened. What the heck _was_ that flavor? Nothing he's tasted before, that's for sure.

None the less, dinner proceeded on rather smoothly since Lancer and King Spade were distracted by this new kind of food. Though Toriel was a little curious as to what King Spade was gonna say… "So, King Spade? Would it be fine if I call you King?" She asked, looking to him. King Spade glanced at her, nodding. "That would be fine, yes." He stated. Toriel smiled softly. "Well then, King, what were you going to say earlier?" She asked. Kris instantly lowered their spoon, nonexistent eyes widening.

"Ah yes, that… well, I was simply going to ask you if you would maybe be interested in- HRK." He grunted, flinching. Kris had kicked him in the shin underneath the table. Toriel looked confused now. "… Interested in… what?" She asked. King Spade looked at Kris, giving them a death glare. "… Interested in- GRGH." Another kick from Kris. Lancer looked at his dad confusedly. "Geez dad, do you have stomach cramps? Or gas? Maybe both?" He asked, slightly concerned. King Spade growled. "INTERESTED IN GOING OUT WITH ME- NGH." He flinched yet again. Unfortunately, Kris was too late. Or maybe they weren't. They had managed to make King Spade ask it in the most awkward way possible, after all…

Toriel's expression was one of pure surprise. She hadn't been asked ever since… well… since _Asgore_. It was out of the blue too, especially since this man was a complete stranger to her. "Oh… er… well… uhm…" She thought for a moment, trying to figure out how to put it politely. "I'm… not entirely sure about that. You do seem kind, if not a little quaint, but… I don't think I'm in the position to go dating someone yet… sorry." She said, sheepishly smiling. Sheepish. Goat. Puns. Not good ones.

King Spade didn't seem disappointed, but internally he was quite livid. Mainly at the refusal, and the fact that Kris had kicked his shin about 3 times. "… That's… that's fine." He said, grunting. "I wasn't expecting much either way… though, perhaps we could chat some more sometime?" He asked, yet again utilizing what he learned from Rouxls Kaard. "I would like to get to know you…" He stated. Toriel thought for a moment, debating the offer. "Well, I don't see why not!" She said with a smile. "Until then, I hope this dinner will be a _royal_ success…" She said, giggling playfully to herself afterwards. Kris rolled their nonexistent eyes. King Spade and Lancer stared blankly, until Lancer just busted out laughing. King Spade stared with a look of 'did she just…?'. Aka unamused and full of disbelief.

Dinner proceeded onwards rather smoothly, surprisingly. Only bumps were Lancer making a small bit of a mess and some rough conversation amongst the majority of them. Either way, the evening was surprisingly nice, even for King Spade. They stood outside on the porch now, Toriel standing at the door with Kris. "It was a pleasure meeting you two! I'm glad Kris made such unique friends…" She said, nodding. King Spade nodded as well. "Mm…" Was all he said. Lancer looked up at King Spade and nudged him. He grunted, and thusly, he proceeded to say; "Yes… Kris is a… a… g… go… gehhhh…" He seemed like he was gagging on his words. Rouxls Kaard's arm abruptly poked out of a bush by them and smacked King Spade on the back. "Good kid!" King Spade managed to get it out. Kris raised an eyebrow at King Spade, skeptical as to if he actually meant that.

"Lancer is pretty fantastic too. So imaginative." She said, smiling at him. Lancer gave two thumbs up. "You know it!" He said. Toriel giggled. "Anyways, you two have a good evening, won't you?" She asked. King Spade folded his arms. "Of course. Goodbye for now?" He questioned. Toriel nodded. "Mhm! I hope we can talk again. Farewell!" She said, waving while closing the door. That was an odd experience for King Spade. For once he didn't feel like strangling someone. Huh.

Lancer looked back up at his father proudly. "You did it! You talked to a lady without them running and screaming! I'd say we count this as a victory for the &#!? Squad!" He stated, raising a finger to the air. King Spade huffed. "Would've been better if not for that _child_ …" He grunted. Rouxls Kaard leapt out of the bush to greet them yet again. "That was't fantastic! You've comest a long way, mine King!" He put his hands together happily. "You havest a chanceth!" He stated  
King Spade snorted at Rouxls Kaard. "Yeah, I suppose your tricks _did_ work… but what _else_ do you got? Its apparent I can't continue on like this." He said, asking for some more advice. Rouxls Kaard thought for a moment. "Well… if thou were to headest out on a dateth with the fair Toriel, thou would'st need to dress more proper! I say thou art due for a MAKE OVERRRRRRR!" He exclaimed. King Spade snarled. " _No."_ He promptly stated. "Oh come on dad, it wouldn't be that bad. Plus you _do_ king of look out of place around everything else. I'll get one with you! What do you say?" He asked.

King Spade took a deep breath. "… Fine. If it makes this quicker." He grumbled. Rouxls Kaard beamed. "That'st the spirit! Come, while thou were'st engaging with the Toriel, I had acquired the location'st of a place where said change can commence! Come, follow me!" He demanded, leaping off of the porch again. King Spade groaned as he followed Rouxls Kaard with Lancer. It seems he had a chance. Albeit a small one. Though just what did Rouxls Kaard have in mind when it came to a "makeover"? We can only see later on. 


	8. Chapter 8: Spooky Style

We return to the three Darkners, who were now headed up north of town, guided by Rouxls Kaard. He led off to the right and over to a tall house that was drooping off to the side a little bit at the tip. King Spade looked up to it. "What is _this_ supposed to be? It looks depressing. Even the _house_ looks depressed." He stated. He wasn't wrong, as the house looked like it was hunched over and sad, much like a certain ghost and their possible cousin/sibling/not-biologically-related friend. Whatever the other is.

"This, dear King, is the residence of a certainest ghost thatest I have noted to be of the most stylish caliber!" He said, raising a finger in the air. "Thou only issue is't gettingest the specter out of the abode, as they are very shy!" He stated. King Spade sighed, placing a hand on his head. "Are you kidding me? Haven't we gone through _enough_ trouble for one woman?" He grumbled. "Nonsense! No troubles be enough for a fair maiden! Now go on, knock!" Rouxls Kaard gestured to the door.

King Spade huffed, walking up to the door and knocking on it. Knock knock. Silence ensued. "…" They stood there for a solid 30 seconds before King Spade growled and knocked again, this time a bit more violently. Still nothing. "… That's it, I give up." King Spade began to stomp off, frustrated. "But dad, you can't give up now! We're so close! Here, let _me_ handle it!" Lancer took his bike out from his nonexistent subspace pockets and rode off a fair distance away from the house. Rouxls Kaard and King Spade watched him do so, confused. "… Err… what is't he doingest- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Rouxls Kaard leapt out of the way as Lancer came zooming over on his bike, ramming into the door and causing it to explode with a low-quality gif-style explosion as he tumbled inside, rolling across the floor and hitting a wall. Thud.

King Spade peeked inside before reluctantly heading into the house. It wasn't that big of one, more or less a single room from the looks of it. Lancer was laying against the wall, along with his bicycle. And looking at him both terrified and somewhat concernedly were… two ghosts. One white with headphones on, and another that was pink but had a rather glamorous hair tuft that covered one of it's eyes. "O-Oh… are you okay…?" The white one asked. Rouxls Kaard approached. "Yes, he is't fine! Our grandiose entry was for good reason however, as we require the aid of your-…" He glanced at the shy looking pink ghost. "… Er… sister? Cousin? Friend?" Rouxls Kaard asked, not entirely sure.

"Cousin…" The ghost replied. "I-I'm Napstablook… this is Happstablook…" They said. Weird name. Almost as if a spaghetti loving skeleton from another dimension gave it to them. "… They're my cousin…" Napstablook stated. "Ah yes, Happstablook! … What manner of name is't _Happstablook?_ " Rouxls Kaard questioned. Happstablook looked down, face reddening a bit. "… Either way, we requirest thou's assistance in our endeavors! This ugly chunk of a man requirest grooming!" He said, gesturing to King Spade, who shot Rouxls Kaard a death glare. " _What did you just call me?_ " He asked grimly.

"Oh nothing…" Rouxls Kaard said, sheepishly smiling with a bead of nervous sweat on his brow. Even with the shock collar restriction King Spade was rather intimidating. Lancer seemed to be thinking, despite his possible concussion, until eventually… "Wait a moment! Lesser dad, how _did_ you find out about this ghost if they've never gone outside…?" He asked, looking to Rouxls Kaard. "Oh, an simple explanation for that existeth! A man draped in black with a cracked face described to me this ghost's expertise in style!" He said, pointing to "Happstablook".  
"Uhh… sorry for saying so but… that's a little freaky... e-even for me…" Napstablook said, looking at Rouxls Kaard with the usual blank expression. "Ah but it is not so if I, Rouxls Kaard, were blessed with this knowledge by an unforseenest entity! None the less, we still requirest thou's assistance in beautifying this man." He said, pointing to King Spade. "Won't thou pleasest lent thine help, worm?" He asked, looking to Happstablook, who was still staying quiet. "… Is something wrong with her? Why is she so shy?" Lancer asked, looking at Happstablook confusedly, and still having no idea if they were a boy or a girl because the ghosts kept referring to each other as 'they'.

"O-Oh… sh- _they_ … aren't used to talking to people… I-I'm not either… but… I mean… I guess… Happsta could help…" They mumbled. Happstablook looked over at them, surprised. They floated over to Napstablook, and whispering was exchanged between the two. King Spade waited impatiently, tapping his foot. The two ghosts eventually ceased their whispering, and Happstablook looked back to Lancer, Rouxls Kaard, and King Spade. "… O… Okay… I'll do it…" Happstablook quietly spoke. "Wonderful!" Rouxls Kaard went behind King Spade and pushed him up to Happstablook. "Now then, I will'st be procuring more ways of higher chancings with the fair maiden! And thus, I am off! Please let me know when thou is't finished so I may see the results of thou's labor! Farewell!" And thus, Rouxls Kaard warped away in a beam of light.

Happstablook was currently looking King Spade over, albeit nervously. He glanced at Happstablook, cocking an eyebrow. "So what are you planning to _do_ , freak?" He snapped. Happstablook flinched a little at the insult. "W-Well… lets… start with some new clothes… t-that always makes _me_ feel better, after all…" They sheepishly smiled, starting to fly out. "… I-I'll be back s-soon… Nappy…" They said, glancing back before floating off. King Spade grumbled and followed them out. Lancer looked around for a little bit before simply following them out. Napstablook hovered there, not entirely sure what just happened and why that escalated so quickly, but it did, so they'll accept it.

Either way, back out into the town they went. Happstablook guided them around the place, thinking. The only place they knew of to buy clothes was that one shop that pun making skeleton opened up… where _did_ monsters get their clothes besides that? Questions for later. Either way Happstablook was considering going there until they spotted a convenient looking boutique that looked new to the town. … That was currently being spawned in casually by W.D. Gaster, who glanced over, stopping since it was finished and slithering off quickly, arms flailing while he laughed before imploding out of existence. Happstablook blinked, still not sure what to think of that. "Oh wow, this place looks convenient!" Lancer said, pointing to it. "Is this the place?" He asked.

Happstablook looked down at Lancer and nodded. Frankly they were a little curious themselves. "A-Ahuh… sure…" And thus, they floated in. Usually they weren't so willing to try something new. But between the two ghosts, Happstablook was actually the _extrovert_. That plus they loved pink, and this boutique had a lot of it from the look of it on the outside. King Spade stared up at it in disgust before heading in with his son and the ghost.

And thus, we leave this for another time. Because the author is hitting writer's block unfortunately. But the show shall go on. Eventually. Hopefully. Most likely. Probably. Soon in the near future. Yes, it will. 


	9. Chapter 9: Ohohon FRENCH!

**A/N; Cheers for over 1,000 views and positive feedback! Didn't expect this to get anywhere near that many but thank you a whole lot. Means a bunch and also means I'll be doing my best to keep this going for a fair while longer. Side note; this chapter contains an OC. If you despise OCs and compare their existence to that of moldy cheese, you are free to skip. The OC won't be the focus after all. King Spade will, he is bestest worst boi of course.**

We return yet again to the now _two_ Darkners accompanied by a ghost that just _oozed_ fabulousness. They took a look around once they made it inside the place. It was styled with a fancy fru-fru vibe to it, although there was less pink. There _was_ still pink for the wallpaper but just in less moderate amounts. Moderate pinks. Either way considering it had just been spawned in by the man who speaks in freshly styled hands, it was empty at the moment. Happstablook looked around, liking what they saw. They didn't get to go out enough to stores that were actually _open._ Usually they'd just go at night in fear of people.

"… Hrmph, what kind of a place is this? The pink is an eyesore and it smells like _flowers_. It's disgusting…" King Spade remarked. With his insults, he has become a critic of building and interior design throughout this whole ordeal. "I like it! I barely see enough of this color! And this is what flowers smelt like? I thought they smelt like sulfur like the ones back home…" Lancer said, scratching his head. "Lightner flowers, Lancer… the absolute _worst_ things imaginable." King Spade grunted.

"I-I wonder where we could get service…" Happstablook mumbled, looking over to the counter for purchases. They floated over, reading a small note placed beside a bell. "… Ring for assistance…?" They tilted their head. Or well, body. They're kind of just one big thing. King Spade approached and raised an eyebrow. Lancer peeked up. "Ooh, I wanna do it, I wanna do it!" He said, raising his hand and eagerly slapping it on the countertop, _eventually_ hitting the bell.

And thus, it rung. And as it did, a long, pink and yellow striped-neck serpent type monster jolted up from the other side of the countertop. They were wearing one of those newsboy caps, with a purpleish-brown hair braid hanging off the side of their slim head. They had a pointy snout, and a face that seemed to be constantly in a mischievous grin. They did have a body too, their neck was just obscenely long and noodle-y. Why did the author feel the need to make this paragraph about them? Because they felt the need to be descriptive. You can skip this paragraph if you want since it's just about the oc- actually if you've read it this far then you've already read what the oc looks like- nevermind lets just continue.

"'ALLO MON AMI~!" She exclaimed. Author forgot to mention she was female too. Woops. Lancer flinched and fell backwards, falling from the countertop. Happstablook jolted in surprise and turned invisible. King Spade didn't react in the slightest. "Ah, a kind group of customairs makeng zeir wai into mon stairé! Téll me, what can Mademoiselle Béllést 'élp you wiv?" She asked, neck wiggling her head around to the side. Very thick and rather stereotypical French accent straight out of Pink Panther too. Fantastic. King Spade winced at her accent and appearance, as it almost immediately made him hate her.

"Ugh, stop _talking._ I hate quiet people but I think I hate _you_ more than that now…" He demanded to her. "Now then, a worthless servant of mine told me that places like this can… ahem… make people "look better"?" He asked, doing the air quotes with his fingers. Happstablook slowly faded back into existence, shuddering. Lancer peeked back over the countertop, Bellest's long neck instantly grabbing his attention as he wanted to grab it and shake it around like a ribbon. "Oh? Zo you went a ful-lee nu look? Bellést can 'elp you wiv zat. Comé! Come!" She commanded, stepping out from behind the countertop and starting to walk off into the boutique. She had a rather stout body in contrast to her long neck and head. It looked a little silly. Either way she was looking through various racks of clothes and whatnot. King Spade reluctantly followed, Happstablook coming along. "E-Erm… if I could s-suggest something.. Bellest, darling…?" Happstablook quietly spoke up, floating up beside her. "He needs s-something… er… simple? C-Casual…"

"Ohoho! Ai see 'ow eet eez. He eez senglé fathair, non? Ai know 'ow 'é can look much lez intimidateng too! Haire, let me pik oot zum cluthés fair 'im." She suggested, looking over the racks a few more. "Tell 'im to wait by la changéng ruhms et mirrairs!" Bellest stated. Happstablook nodded, guiding him over to the changing rooms and mirrors. "… So? What is she going to do?" King Spade asked, glancing at Happstablook. "O-Oh… she's… just going to pick out a few outfits, probably…" They said, not entirely sure themselves. King Spade grumbled, sitting down. Lancer hopped in place a bit excitedly. "Ooh! I wanna go look at outfits too! Be right back!" Lancer scurried off. Who knows where.

Bellest came walking over to them, holding a stack of clothes on her head, perfectly balanced somehow despite her wiggly stature. "Now we can get started. But, I'm goeng to 'ave to ask you to tak zat 'ood off, eet isn't doeng you any favairs, monsieur!" She stated, pointing at King Spade's hood. "WHAT?! You _dare_ ask me to remove my hood? This hood is a symbol of my honor as a _spade_ and role as a _king_!" He pointed to his head. "You're asking me to simply demean myself in front of you! Under no circumstances would I remove it-" Bellest rolled her eyes and cut him short, head leaning over as she bit the tip of it and tugged it off in one swoop.

Bwoop. Underneath, King Spade had a rather round head. His black, sunken, connected-looking eyes remained though. But what he _did_ have, was some adorable perked up horn-style ears and fuzz, almost like a dog. Bellest giggled at the sight, same with Happstablook. "Awww, you look zo much cutair zis wai monsieur~!" She proclaimed. King Spade's face, for once in his life, gained a tinge of red to it as he growled deeply, both his mouths snarling as he covered his head with his hands. " _Good god you are the most annoying thing I've countered yet. SHUT UP._ " He demanded, nearly yelling at Bellest. Bellest simply shrugged it off, as she has been doing with most of his cruel remarks. "Zoot yurself! But pléasé try zese cluthes on, and tell me what you think!" She said, handing him the stack of clothes. King Spade snatched them, standing up and sneering at her before walking off into a changing room.

"He's quite a grouch, non?" Bellest asked, looking to Happstablook. "Oh… u-uh… I don't really know him that well… b-but he could probably use some work…" They mumbled. Lancer came walking over, now wearing an oversized wide-brimmed hat, star-shades, and a pink fur boa scarf. "Hey, c'mon. He isn't so bad. He's just uh… misguided! As Ralsei put it." Lancer said, adjusting his shades. Happstablook glanced at him and giggled at his appearance. Either way…

About 4 minutes passed by.

"… Jeez, what's taking him?" Lancer frowned. "It can't be that hard to get changed." He mumbled. Bellest knocked on the changing room door a little. "'Allo 'allo? Are you steehl concious, monsieur?" She asked. King Spade faintly replied; "I'm _not_ coming out…" He muttered. "A-Aw… why not?" Happstablook asked. "I look ridiculous. There's not even an opening for my _mouth_." He snapped, growling. "Oh come on dad, you can't look _that_ bad!" Lancer stated. "Come on out, please? You can't look as evil and scary as _I_ do right now." He stated, posing with his fabulous getup.

Some more muttered obscenities came from King Spade as he opened the door. Happstablook blinked, slowly hiding their smile. Bellest smiled widely, giggling to herself. And Lancer just stared blankly before laughing hysterically, falling back on the floor.

King Spade was currently wearing clothes on par with Asgore's. Aka, khaki pants and a mint-green floral styled button up shirt with a collar. He looked like some kind of chubby tourist rather than an intimidating king now. "… I knew it. I look like a _fool_." He grunted. "Oh non non non Monsieur! You simp-lee look far maire approachabuhl, and cudd-lee!" Bellest stated, looking him over. "Women lové le cudd-lee taypes, aftair all." She chuckled. Lancer gave two thumbs up. "It's _perfect_! You're a shoe-in now, pops!" Lancer stated, smiling happily. Happstablook nodded in agreement. "T-The look suits you well, darling…" They said, looking King Spade over.

He ignored the compliments, believing them not to be true. But then again, Lightner culture was different. If this is what it took to win a woman over, so be it. He was getting tired of this, after all. Lancer looked up to Bellest. "We'll take it!" He said, speaking for the king. "Fentastic! I'll reng you up fair eet now." Bellest stated, going back over to the countertop. One purchase later and; "Goodbyé! Madémoiselle Bellest 'opes to see you bak hairé again zumdai!" She said, waving as they walked out of the store. King Spade growled. If he _did_ see her again, he'd probably strangle her violently.

"I think that's a-all I need to do now…" Happstablook said, now having a cute lil' flower on their head that they bought for themselves. "Good luck with your… l-lady… okay…?" They asked, smiling to King Spade. "Whatever…" He said, folding his arms. Happstablook chuckled and floated off, looking far happier than when they had first set out.

"Well, that settles that! I think we should wait for lesser dad though. He may have one more thing we need to do!" Lancer suggested, looking up to his father. King Spade huffed and went back over to the bench he sat on when he first got here, sitting down and waiting with Lancer. "He better make this _quick_ … I'm getting tired of jumping through hoops." King Spade grumbled. And thus, we will rejoin the darkners another time…

 ****


	10. Chapter 10: O O F

THE AUTHOR HAS RETURNED FROM THE MOMENTARY GRAVE TO GIVE YOU YET ANOTHER ONE OF KING SPADE'S FANTABULOUS EXPLOITS! That and somewhat witty remarks about your fashion choices. Was going to make another chapter last week but things came up, so this one will be posted on Sunday! Anyways, continuing on from where we left off last time!

The two darkners awaited on the bench they had sat down on after the rather nerve touching encounter with a certain French serpent lady. Lancer kicked his legs, glancing around at people before looking up in the sky. "Ooh… is that the same ball of light as before? Looks more like something we'd have at home..." He stated. King Spade looked upwards. Huh. Surprisingly the light didn't burn his eyeballs now. It was softer, mellower with its light. That being it was the moon, hanging in the sky now as it was getting rather late. "Hrmph… whatever… at this rate we may not even be able to get this over with in a day." King Spade muttered, slumping back on the bench. He certainly had grown tired, and he didn't want to spend another second in this place as usual. No thanks to Rouxls Kaard, who was taking his sweet time in finding another source, apparently. As if there was.

But of course, our almighty savior Rouxls Kaard always pulls through, and thus he beamed back down in front of the two of them yet again. "Greetings yet again, mine King! I does't believest I have found our last key to winning the maiden's heart!" He proclaimed. King Spade groaned, sitting back up. "About _time_. What is it?" He asked. Rouxls Kaard raised a finger up and dramatically pointed over towards a flower shop. A fairly well kept one. That was run by Asgore. r. "Flowers, mine King! Maidens adorest them!" He said. Some do, but not all. Toriel was one to though. King Spade stood up, Lancer hopping up as well. "Flowers? Why on Earth would she like those?" He looked over, raising a brow.

"They are beautiful, matching to that of a maiden. Tis a kind gestureth, and onest that thou shalt accomplish thineself!" He said, walking to Lancer and picking him up. "Because it is't past thine prince's bedtime." He stated. Lancer squirmed. "What? Bed?! I don't have _time_ for that! I got to help my dad get a wife!" He squealed. Rouxls Kaard shook his head. "Do not fret, prince. Thoust's father knowest what he does!" He nodded. King Spade growled at him. "You're telling me I have to do this whole 'dating' thing alone?" He asked. Admittedly he _was_ a tad worried about doing it alone, but it was aggravating since Rouxls Kaard was basically dumping this responsibility on him. As he knew he could now.

"Correct! We shall returneth on the morrow!" He stated. "Until then, arrangeth a date with the fair maiden this night, and make it for tomorrow, if thou can of course. Farewell, mine king!" He said with a bow, holding Lancer under his arm. "Bye dad! Oh, wait! You got the shock collar still on? I mean… I can _trust_ you if I leave you alone now, riiiiiight?" Lancer asked, tilting his head at his father. King Spade had been pretty beaten down from his former glory. Killing people senselessly wasn't exactly on his mind nowadays. "… Right." He grunted. "Just get going already…" He commanded. Rouxls Kaard oblidged and beamed off with Lancer.

King Spade turned to the flower shop, taking a deep breath and trudging over to it. The lights were still on, and it was still open at the moment. He grumbled to himself and reluctantly stepped on inside the place, taking a look around. A small bell made it clear that the door had been opened, and someone clarified "I'll be right there!" from the back room of the place. King Spade huffed and looked around, starting to look at the flowers that were on display. What kind of flowers did Toriel even _like?_ He has no idea what kind, that's for sure. Of course Rouxls Kaard would be the one to put him in yet another predicament. This was getting tiresome. If he co- His train of thought stopped as someone came out from the back room to greet him.

"Howdy friend!" They said. King Spade turned around to be greeted with the one and only (Not) King of Monsters, Asgore. Looking about as sad as usual. In terms of demeanor, not attitude or voice. We all know what happened to him. "Quite late isn't it? Are you looking for something special?" He asked, smiling warmly to King Spade. King Spade looked at him and snorted. Another goat. Typical. "I _suppose_ I am…" He said rather disgustedly. "I need flowers for a 'date' or something. Simply give me your finest set and I'll be off." He stated, wanting to get out of there already.

"Oh! A date? Well, flowers for a date should be very special." He stated, starting to look around at what he had in stock. "I should know, I've been on a few myself, aheh!" He chuckled a little. King Spade rolled his eyes. "Whatever, make with the flowers." He demanded. Asgore looked back at him. "Well, what is she like? Is she rough and rugged with a lively attitude? Warm and gentle and full of care?" He asked, trying to find something to suit this man's possible date. "It's good to give them something that will make them treasure the moment…"

King Spade planted a hand on his head, taking yet _another_ deep breath to keep himself from possibly strangling this buffoon. Which he could, but he's gotten used to not having violent outbursts for once. "I suppose she's on the warm and gentle side… hurry up already!" He demanded yet again. Asgore's smile and tone didn't falter much. "Right, sorry. It's been a slow day so I've kind of gotten a little lazy. Either way, I think this would suit her just fine." He said, having now readied a bouquet of golden flowers. He set it on the countertop.

King Spade picked the bouquet up. "Hrngh… right…" He said, paying Asgore the correct amount. Asgore gladly accepted. "I hope she enjoys them! Say, if you come back here, tell me how it goes, alright? I'd like to hear if she enjoyed her time." He said, doing his best to be friendly with King Spade. It was always a pleasure to meet a new face around town for him, even if most people didn't say hi that much…

"Yeah yeah… we'll see if I ever do." He huffed. "I plan to make this night _quick_ and get the message through to my son that I _don't_ need a wife anymore." He stated, grumbling and folding his arms. "I'm only going to stick to one date, and one date only." He proclaimed. He most certainly wasn't going to keep going with this if getting a woman was _this_ much work. "Oh? Well… that's a little sad to hear. Especially when the bond between two lovers is something… special… that should be treasured and returned by the both of them…" Asgore said, slowly looking down, getting somewhat lost in his thoughts before shaking his head. "But hey! It's all up to you, friend. Though if it's going to be one date, would you mind me asking who the lucky lady is?" Asgore asked, somewhat curious. Mainly because, no offense to this man, he was a bit abrasive and rough.

"Oh, her name is Toriel. She wasn't _totally_ repulsive to see but she-uuuuhhhhh…" King Spade was going to clarify more. … Until he took a good look at Asgore, who's friendly and warm expression had shifted to one of pure disbelief and shock, eyes wide and mouth hanging open as he silently stared at King Spade. It was that on top of the realization of what Asgore was. A goat. White goat. Big white goat. Toriel is a big white goat too. It wasn't hard for King Spade to put two and two together there sooooo… **O U C H.** The awkward air there was even enough to make _King Spade_ feel uncomfortable. Along with near to the entirety of the town, who all felt at least 1% more discomfort in their lives than normal.

". . ." King Spade stared blankly. Admittedly, he didn't feel bad at _all_ about it, but he still felt awkward just standing there, and he desperately wanted to make his legs move. Say something already! "Ahem… well uh…" He coughed into a fist, looking around and rubbing his neck. "I do believe I should be going now. Sorry for the… uhm… yeah." He said, gripping the bouquet and booking it out of there. Asgore just stood there, completely broken by what just happened before slowly walking into the back. Soft sobbing ensued. Poor Asgore, man. Poor Asgore.

King Spade got a fair distance away from the place before stopping and panting. Still out of shape. GOSH DANGIT KING SPADE WORK OUT ALREADY. Though his act of catching his breath was cut short as a familiar voice spoke up on the sidewalk he was now on. "Wow, I think even _I_ __felt myself die a little inside from watching that." She said. Twas Susie, who had gone out to get some time away from home and get a late night snack. Which was just a plastic bag full of chalk. Figures. But she had stopped once she saw King Spade in the flower shop, and saw the rather awful scene go down. King Spade looked to her and snarled.

"That was none of your business, you brat!" He snapped, standing back upright. Susie snickered. "Yeah, watching the man I beat the crap out of fumble over his words is none of my business. Okay." She said, chuckling to herself. "But I'm surprised you didn't realize that he was married to Toriel sooner. Also, _Toriel?_ _Really?_ Of all the ladies you could've picked in this damn place you chose _Toriel_ to woo. Pff, good luck with that sicko…" She stated. It was kind of true. Toriel was probably the least likely match for him. "Shut _up_ you runt… wait… I've noticed you don't have your axe here." He said, slowly grinning. "What makes you think you're still in a position to taunt me, now that my son is away with the remote?" He asked, stepping up closer to her.

"Because I can still kick your fat butt?" She said, not really intimidated in the slightest. "Wouldn't suggest trying it. Also wouldn't suggest trying to date Toriel. But hey, you do you. But when the date fails and you're left alone again, don't come trying anything with _my_ mom. She'd break your bones." She said, grinning up at him. King Spade's enthusiasm for maiming this lizard had faded now. He folded his arms. "Mrgh… as if I would ever do that, wench. My life is not of _your_ concern now, however." He started walking off. "Go mouth off to some other welp!" He commanded. Susie watched him walk off and shrugged, taking a piece of chalk out and having a bite before walking off herself.

And thus, King Spade made his way back to Toriel's doorstep. But this shall be kept for another day. Because the author has priorities. Like breathing air, eating food, drinking water, playing Smash Bros on the Switch- the author is lazy, we know this. Anywho, FOR ANOTHER TIME ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF KING SPADE: AND THE ALMIGHTY QUEST FOR ZOOL- King Spade's Lovely Predicament. Man the author has to stop using cut off jokes. 


	11. Chapter 11: Hard Times

It all went wrong while the author was away. King Spade had taken his clothes off and gone streaking while singing opera tunes, the flowers had wilted, Lancer died of heart failure, Kris had finally killed Toriel after tearing their heart out, and EVERYTHING WAS ON FIRE! Joking, joking. Can't resist doing that. None the less let's return to King Spade, who is currently making his way to Toriel's house with the bouquet of golden flowers in hand. Even if his timing was kind of bad, though to him this was probably normal timing. If any timing was to be had.

He made his way onto her doorstep, glancing around. Didn't have Lancer or Rouxls Kaard to help him out of this one this time. Fantastic. He took a deep breath and raised his hand up, knocking on the door of the house. He waited a few minutes until it was eventually answered by… Kris. Of course it'd be Kris. They stared up at King Spade, who stared back. More awkward hurdles to jump through. But he may as well be straightforward this time.

"… Is Toriel home? I would like to speak to her." King Spade promptly stated while not sounding incredibly rude for a change. Kris raised an eyebrow, honestly a little impressed by how… different King Spade looked and sounded from last time. That and he didn't have his hood, so he looked kind of silly. "Oh, I'm right here!" Toriel said from inside. She was in the living room, so it wasn't hard for her to not hear King Spade. "… Oh? King? What're you doing here? And why are.. pff…" Toriel covered her mouth when she saw King Spade in that getup, hiding a chuckle the best she could. King Spade grumbled. "Knew it looked stupid…" He muttered, looking back to her. Kris could tell they could leave this to them, so they walked back, leaving Toriel and King Spade to themselves. Another confusing statement by Kris™.

"Ah, no no you look great!" Toriel said, smiling to him. "Just wasn't expecting to see you like this, or at this hour, that's all." She reassured him. He shook it off. "Mmh… right… either way, erm… Toriel." He weakly smiled. "I… got these for you." He held the bouquet out to her. Toriel looked a bit confused, taking them. "I've also been meaning to ask you something… even if we haven't exactly known each other long… but would you like to head out on a date with me, per chance?" He asked rather quickly. Toriel stared at him, smile having faded before chuckling a little more.

"Oh King… it is awfully sweet of you to ask me. But I believe I made myself clear at dinner… I'm not looking for someone right now. That and Kris told me some… interesting… stories about you." She said, glancing back at Kris. King Spade's smile faded as he looked over Toriel's shoulder, snarling at Kris. Who looked at King Spade, and gave him a rude gesture when Toriel had looked back away. Wow Kris, how _vulgar._ "I hope you do understand… you do look and act awfully kind now however, and I would love to get to know you. But, as a friend." She stated, smiling to him yet again. "Would that be fine?" She asked.

King Spade sighed, looking down at the ground. So much for all that work to win her over. Rouxls Kaard is going to _pay_. "… Yes… I believe that would." He said, looking back at her and mustering up a smile. Though it was hard to due to his rising anger as the thoughts flooded through his head. Toriel looked relieved at least. "Good to hear! Hope things will be well for us down the road." She nodded. "It is rather late after all, so I don't really think this would be a good time for a date anyways…" She glanced away. King Spade nodded. "Right, right… well, I suppose I may see you tomorrow then?" He asked. Toriel nodded. "Most likely. I'll be working at school tomorrow but maybe I'll see you around the neighborhood. Until then, good night King… and erm, no offense, again you do seem better than what Kris said, but… please stay away from my child." She said, somewhat concerned after what Kris had said. King Spade still looked somewhat disappointed. "Good night…" He mumbled, walking off. Toriel glanced at the flowers for a moment, seemingly thinking before heading back inside, closing the door behind her. King Spade walked away from the door, stopping at the side walk. … Before yelling and uprooting their mailbox out of the ground, throwing it across the street and hitting an innocent passerby in the head and knocking them out. He stood there, panting for a moment before starting to stomp back to the school to head home. Great, he made absolutely _no_ progress after all that work, thanks to that was really starting to frustrate him.

Then again if he went home _now_ he'd more than likely be put back into his cell, so he stopped in his tracks. Lancer was still away with Rouxls Kaard. So he could probably wait the night out somewhere. And so, he did, walking off to who knows where in the town. Most likely some place out of the way. He needed to think about things after that. But we'll return to that soon enough. For now…

Lancer was sitting in his bed at the moment. He had been unable to fall asleep, thinking about how his father had been doing back in the realm of the lightners. He wasn't exactly worried, more or less just curious as to how he could've been doing. He tends to think a lot when he's in bed. About his dad, lesser dad, Kris, Susie, When Ralsei will make the freaking jackets, Giraffes, Squares, Etc. He sat up, placing his hands on his cheeks and sighing. Then he thought for a moment. Maybe, _just maybe_ , he could SKIP sleep! He never thought of that before. Thusly, he was going to put his plan into action. He hopped out of bed, scurrying out of his room and peeking into the hall for any sign of, well, anyone. There were a few guards on duty, but he easily snuck on past those. Rouxls Kaard was asleep at the moment, so he was home free. He made his way out of the castle, and back over to the breach in the sky…

And out of the closet and school he went, back into the town and scurrying around to find his dad. But for whatever reason, there was no sign of him. Not even on Mr. Benchy Bench, the bench that had been sat on at least 3 or 4 times during the span of this fanfic. "… DAAAAAAAAAAD! WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUU?" Lancer hollered out in the midst of the town. All he got in reply was dogs barking. A small white one casually vibrated by him. He sighed. "Don't tell me he actually ran off in _embarassemt_ …" Lancer mumbled, starting to look up north of the town.

Eventually, he actually spotted his father. Who was sitting quietly on the ground in front of a wide river. "Dad! There you are, I was starting to get worried! And I know I'm out late but there's totally good reason for that. Lesser Dad said I had to go get him some drugs and- … Uh… dad…?" Lancer looked confused now. His father didn't even bother to look at him, despite his usual loud nature. He slowly waddled up to him, twiddling his fingers. He stood beside him, staring at up at King Spade.

Now is the time for things to get a little less silly, dear readers.

"… H-Hey, what're you doing here? Didn't you talk to Toriel?" He asked, smiling with his tongue hanging out as usual. "… Yes." King Spade grunted in reply, head hung down as he stared at the water in front of him. "Then shouldn't you be over at her place? Or, like… on a date with her?" He asked, tilting his head. King Spade still didn't bother to look at his son. "… Kris told her about me. What I've done. My violent natures. All of it." He grumbled. Lancer's smile faded a little. "… Oh… well… she still likes you though, right? There's a chance there?" He asked. King Spade took a deep breath, lowering his head into the palms of his hands. "Yes, she likes me still. _No_ , there is not a chance for a relationship." He said, voice somewhat muffled. Lancer's smile had faded from his face fully as he disappointedly looked down. "… O-Oh…" Was all he could say. King Spade lifted his head from his hands slightly, looking to his son. "…" He stared quietly before sitting upright. "… Lancer. I doubt this very much, but… do you know what your mother was like? In the slightest?" He asked. Lancer poked back up, disappointment shifting to curiousity. "My mom…? I never met her. Y-You said she had died before I could…" He said.

"… That is true." King Spade clarified, staring straight ahead. "… Your mother, much like me, and you, was a spade. The nature of a spade is mischief, power, and pride, Lancer. But with that, comes cruelty." He stated, placing his hands on his knees. "Your mother wasn't any different than… well… me in demeanor. She was strong, crazed, and set on whatever she demanded. She _completed_ me Lancer. She was the only one who matched up to my goals… but of course… our constant fighting and waging of war… she was eventually taken with it." He looked down. "She's gone for good."

Lancer stared silently at his father, doing his best not to, well… get too emotional. His father always taught him that getting emotional was a sign of utter weakness. But, is his father getting emotional right now? Does that mean he's allowed? He had no idea anymore. King Spade continued; "Your mother was one of a kind, Lancer. To find a woman like her again would mean finding someone that could be equal with the absolute mad nature of a spade. As much as you'd like a new mother, Lancer… I'm afraid even if I were to somehow manage one here… she wouldn't last." He mumbled. Lancer seemed very saddened at this conclusion, sniffling while wiping one of his eyes.

"… H-Hey… no need to get bummed out like that dad. Come on, wanna hit me like you used to for old time's sake?" He asked, innocently smiling while not knowing what that specifically meant. Eesh. King Spade stared at his son for a moment before giving a slight sorrowful groan and placing his head back in his hands. Lancer's smile faded again. "Wait, wait. I didn't mean that… look, maybe you just need some cheering up is all…" He said, patting his father on the back.

Onionsan slowly rose up out of the water, beaming somewhat disturbingly. "So I heard you needed some cheering up?-" Lancer pointed to him. "NOT BY YOUUUUUUUUU!" He yelled. Onionsan got the message, lowering back down. Obligatory comedy moment to ease tension.

Lancer looked back to his father. "Hey… um… dad… would it maybe help you feel better if I made you king again?" He asked, curious to see if that was the key to his father's happiness. "I-I'm completely fine without a mom! Really! I… just wanted to see _you_ be happy for a change… you looked really miserable in that cell… so… what if I just let you out?" He suggested, thinking. King Spade slowly looked at Lancer. ".. Son, I know this was simply a task spawned off the top of your head, but it's taken it's toll on me… to put me back in the position of king, after I've been beaten down from my prideful state? I'm not sure if I could even manage…"

"Sure you can! We can't say no until we try, right?" Lancer smiled goofily to his father, eager nature restored. King Spade sighed, standing up. "I suppose not…" He muttered. Lancer nodded, undoing the electroshock collar from King Spade. "C'mon, let's go home, ok?" He said, hopping up onto his father's shoulders. King Spade grumbled. "Okay…" And off he started walking back.

While walking through the town, they were stopped in their tracks by the one. The only. JOEY BONZOOOOOOO- ROUXLS KAARD. Nailed it. He beamed down in a… well… beam of light, landing in front of the two. "There'st thou art! I've been lookingest for thou'st prince for 30 minutetests! Where haves't thou been?" Rouxls Kaard asked. It was hard to tell if he was mad or not since his face seemed to be in a constant gleeful smile. But with the way his eyes look, he most likely was.

"Oh chill out lesser dad, I was just looking for dad… we've decided to call this whole thing off. It made my dad sad, so it isn't worth it." Lancer said, looking down at his father. Rouxls Kaard stared for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Okay, okay… I will'st tryeth to shake this whole ordeal off likest a bad dreamest!" He said, folding his arms behind his back. "Sorry to hear thou's date proposal did not go well however. Betterest luck next time, mine King?" He asked rather jokingly. King Spade snorted, starting to walk past him. Rouxls Kaard followed the two of them back to their home.

Though this may seem like the end, do not worry. BECAUSE IT NEVER ENDS FOR KING SPADE, AHAHAHAHAH- well it will at some point. But yes, this fanfic will continue despite the rough edge back there. And it will PIERCE THROUGH THE HEAVENS WITH IT'S ALMIGHTY GLORIOUSNESS. Until then, don't be a Jerry and check your pantries for dogs. _To be continued._


	12. Chapter ?: Bonus Bumper

**A/N: A little bonus something something to tide over the masses during the spans of me lacking ideas.**

Though this may seem like the end, do not worry. BECAUSE IT NEVER ENDS FOR KING SPADE, AHAHAHAHAH- well it will at some point. But yes, this fanfic will continue despite the rough edge back there. And it will PIERCE THROUGH THE HEAVENS WITH IT'S ALMIGHTY GLORIOUSNESS. Until then, don't be a Jerry and check your pantries for dogs. _To be continued…_

MEANWHILE IN THE VOID.

W.D. Gaster shut the notebook, beaming proudly at his work before looking over to dear ol' Chara. Who had unfortunately been stuck in the empty black void with him for quite some time. Gaster still does speak in wingdings however, but thanks to super technology and 4th wall breaking translation convenience, we can now understand him.

"So, what did you think of the first part of my fanfiction, Chara?" He asked, smiling over to her the best he could without his face melting from pure joy like the goofball he is. Chara boredly looked over at him whilst sitting down on nothing, unamused at the fact that _this_ is what they resorted to for fun nowadays.

"I thought it… oh how do I put this…? It was _awful._ " She said, sitting upright now. "Like, what was the purpose of some of these parts anyways? Why have them meet Undyne when they come up on the surface but never see her again? Wouldn't Toriel have been madder at King Spade for trying to kill Kris? And lastly, that _ending_. I thought garbage stories like this were supposed to have _happy_ endings! So what, he goes home without a wife? How sad for a comedy." She rolled her eyes.

"Look, it's not _my_ decision to make here. It's theirs!" He said, pointing out towards… nothing. Or so it would seem. Chara looked over blankly before looking back to Gaster. "… Who are you pointing to?" She asked. "The author!" He replied. "… But… didn't _you_ write this dumb thing?" Chara asked, frowning yet again. Gaster usually made no sense, but now he was just being ridiculous. "Ugh, yes and no. It's just… look it was hard enough to explain _multiverses_ to you so I shall not be pushing further. Just know that any flaws or errors I make on my end are directly reflected to the person controlling us currently."

"But aren't we controlling ourselves?" Chara asked. "NO!" Gaster replied, growing a bit irritated.  
"Ugh… well, if you're such a critic, why don't _you_ write it better, hm?" He suggested, handing it to Chara. Chara looked at it and got a mischievous smile. "Oh I will." She snatched it out of his hand, taking out a pen and opening it up.

" "King Spade's Lovely Predicament Part 2: The story of how Gaster grew so desperate to the point he was willing to gender bend himself and marry King Spade!" " She said, laughing to herself as she wrote. Gaster convulsed violently whilst groaning and glitching out. "NooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" And Gaster extended up like a wave and collapsed onto Chara as she screamed. And thus our view of the void went to static.

Technical difficulties have occurred, and we will try to get in touch with the void again sometime. Until then, stay tuned.


	13. Chapter 13: The Shadowy Bois Are Back

THE AUTHOR HAS RETURNED FROM THE NETHER REALM TO GIVE PROCLAMATIONS OF THE NEW COUNTRY AND HAIRCUTS TO ALL HIPPIES! Or in other words, write another piece to the fantastic escapade that is King Spade's Lovely Predicament. We shall call the newer segments part TWO! Raring to go with a new idea or two so why not keep this lil' ball rolling a little longer, hm? Anywho, where were we…?

 **King Spade's Lovely Predicament: Part 2, NOW WITH EXTRA MENT! (Intro)  
**  
We return to our main characters, who had called it a night and returned to the Card Castle back in the Dark World. It was a rough night for King Spade especially, as well as Rouxls Kaard. Mainly because the Jevil in his bedroom walls wouldn't shut up. But King Spade practically lied awake, staring at the ceiling for near to that entire night. How rough. As for Lancer, he was in practically the same boat. Though he wasn't thinking about marriage. Just ducks. What else would he think about?

But as the night passed, and the day arose, things were only bound to get better. Especially with King Spade back in his position as king. Just… not of darkners entirely. Just as King of Spades. Who was sitting in his throne, black cape draped over his shoulders as he was deep in thought, resting his head on his hand. Until Lancer came in of course, holding his boombox and shaking his tushie to "Katamari On The Rocks", setting it aside and rolling around on the floor now. King Spade watched him do so, taking a deep breath and sighing deeply. Lancer took notice, going back to the boom box and turning it off. "What's wrong dad? I thought you'd be happier now that you're back as main king father person!" He said, looking up at his father while resting his head on his hands, kicking his legs around a bit behind himself, still desiring his father's happiness.

"… It's nothing, Lancer… my mind is still occupied with yesterday, that is all." He muttered in reply, staring down at the floor. Lancer frowned, thinking. "… Oh! I got an idea! What if I put some of those strange berries in Rouxls Kaard's food again? You loved it when that happened last time, right?" He asked, smiling. King Spade lifted his head up, practically having war flashbacks with the blank stare he was giving. Faint flashbacks to… puzzles… puzzles everywhere… and Rouxls Kaard yelling at the top of his lungs; "I'M MAKING F #$ING MAC AND CHEESE, _AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME-"_

"Dad?" Lancer snapped his fingers in front of his dad's face, bringing him back to reality. "Gh! Huh? Oh, sorry I lost attention for a moment there… erm… no thank you, son." He stated. Lancer had never seen his father act or speak so… gently. That whole ordeal must have done quite the number on him. Lancer was desperate to cheer his father up. "Hmm… well you don't wanna just sit here all day, right? Hey! I got an idea! Why don't we pummel around some of the servants? That's fun, yeah?" He suggested. King Spade smiled slightly. "… Heh, pathetic weaklings… now even my own _son_ can boss them around… but…" King Spade sighed, picking Lancer up and standing up. "I don't believe I'm in a _violent_ mood today, Lancer." He said. Lancer gasped. King Spade not in a violent mood? WHAT IS THIS TRICKERY? "You don't wanna pummel people?! WHO ARE YOU?!" He shouted, pointing at King Spade. King Spade rolled his nonexistent… or… well… existent. Again his eyes make no sense. Eyes. "Lancer, I know it may come as a shock but you've _broken_ me. I don't believe my violent urges will arise until a few days pass." He stated. Lancer calmed down, huffing. "Oh _fine_ … what should we do until then? Maybe we could go take a walk back in the lightner's place, huh?" He suggested.

King Spade debated the thought. "Well… I… don't see what else I would be doing here…" He sighed, standing up. "Very well… I suppose a walk back on the surface could help clear the mind… things have felt awfully clouded ever since I came back here." He stated. Lancer smiled brightly at him. "Yeah! That ought to do the trick for sure! We can say hi to everyone, right?" Lancer suggested. King Spade didn't like that thought, on account of a certain suplex heavy fish and pink French snake thing that had no regard for personal space. "Well… not everyone… lets go then, Lancer." King Spade nodded to him, setting Lancer down. And thus, they were OFF TO CONTINUE THEIR EXPLOITS YET AGAIN! Though they didn't give the heads up to Rouxls Kaard this time. This was simply FATHER-SON BONDING! HOW MAGICAL AND UNUSUAL FOR THESE TWO! We will continue this on, another time. Hopefully the author can get back into the swing of things, hm? Until then, buh bye, stay in drugs, don't do school, and smoke your vegetables.

 **Sorry it was a tad short, but I'm hoping to start this up again. Consider this a jumpstart!**


End file.
